


Hurt for Me

by insieme



Series: Canon Malec Drabbles [11]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Post-Break Up, Post-Canon, This is not Happy, at all, post 3x18
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2020-01-15 04:23:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18491278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insieme/pseuds/insieme
Summary: Magnus, I need a break from us.Alec goes back to the Institute after breaking up with Magnus.





	Hurt for Me

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really sorry for this one guys ... it's a whole lot of pain, tears and guilt. Enjoy :') 
> 
>  
> 
> Title from 'Hurt for Me' by SYML

The sound of the door shutting was like a gunshot. Alec flinched. 

Forcing himself not to turn back was the hardest part. Not to look, not to see his love, his entire world, standing there falling apart. Not to turn around and open the door, once again entering the shop. He had to do the very last thing he wanted to do in that moment. 

Alec had to walk away. 

For he knew what he would see if he turned around. He would see Magnus, the man he loves more than anything in this world, struggling to hold himself together. He would see Magnus standing in the middle of Alec’s mother’s shop, crying as he watched Alec walk away from him in a time when he needed Alec most. He would see the broken pain, the betrayal and the hurt in those eyes he loved so damn much. 

It, the breakup, had been worse than Alec had thought it would be. He’d prepared himself as best he could, telling himself it was what he had to do to save Magnus, but there was really no way to fully prepare yourself for something like that. When he’d walked into the shop he wanted nothing more than to fall into Magnus’ embrace and forget the evils of the world, and there was so many times during when he wanted to call the whole thing off, to tell Magnus what he had done and have him talk Alec out of it, tell him they could figure it out together. When he had seen him, seen Magnus standing inside the store, it was with a painful rip to his heart that Alec saw he actually looked happy for the first time in a while. He had smiled a real smile, pulling Alec close to him, and talking about the evening he’d had with Alec’s mother. 

And Alec knew in that moment he had needed to shatter the one shred of happiness Magnus had experienced in days. 

Alec ran his hands through his hair, feeling his throat tighten. He could hardly catch his breath, panting as he leaned against a nearby building. People walked passed him in costumes, giggling and chatting, but since it was New York, no one seemed to notice him. Alec didn’t even think he was glamoured. Tears filled his eyes, and he tried to will them away but they kept coming, falling hot and wet down his cheeks. He scrubbed angrily at them. _Hold it together, Alec. You need to keep it together._ But Magnus’ face kept flashing in his mind, the utter hurt and betrayal he had felt when Alec had said he wanted to end things, and it all came rushing over him like a tidal wave. 

_Magnus, I need a break from us._

It had felt like a knife going through his gut, saying those words. It felt wrong, the words spilling from his lips, and watching the words hurt Magnus felt like he was being stabbed in the chest, over and over. The worst part was Alec knew Magnus inside and out, and he knew what he was feeling just from the slight twitch in his brows or exhale of breath. He could read the hurt on Magnus’ face when he said those words as if he was reading his favourite book that he’d read time and time again - he’d seen that expression on Magnus’ face before, but never thought he’d be the one the put it there. It was like some sort of cruel joke, like the universe was laughing at him for thinking he could be happy, for thinking he could just maybe, get his happy ending. Because he’d been so much more than happy. His life was working out in a way he never thought it would, and Alec had stupidly allowed himself to think into the future, of a full mortal life with Magnus, with a wedding and kids and everything he used to convince himself he’d never have. Just the day before he’d been preparing a speech to ask Magnus to spend the rest of their lives together, and today he’d had to prepare one to end it, to ensure they never had a future together.

 _Shit._

Alec had done his best to hurt Magnus as little as possible, but he knew that if he wanted this break up to seem real he had to use a little bit of truth. He had to use Magnus’ insecurities, his weakness’, the ones he had confided in Alec. And he knew the words would hurt Magnus, but he hoped that he would be able to overcome it, to grow stronger from it. _...without your magic, you could never be happy._ Throwing those words back in Magnus’ face had been hard, because even though they’d hurt Alec, that Magnus was all but admitting Alec could never be enough for him, he would never leave Magnus for that reason. He would never leave him in a time of need, and had vowed to stay with him when things got tough. 

But he hadn’t. He’d left Magnus, all alone. With nothing and no one. 

Magnus had been left by many of his past lovers, Alec knew, for reasons similar to the ones he had just used to end things. He’d been told he was too dramatic, too emotional, that they couldn’t handle him when things got bad. And Alec had worked so hard to make sure that Magnus never had those thoughts with their relationship; when he had shown Alec his warlock mark, when Alec had got the position in Idris, when Magnus had confided his past to Alec. Time and time again, Alec tried to prove to him that he was in it for the long haul, and there was nothing Magnus could do to push him away. 

And then he’d gone and ruined it all in one foul swoop. 

It was with surprise that Alec realized he had reached the Institute. He didn’t remember the walk home, or how he got here. Most of the teams should have been out on patrol, so it was quiet when the doors opened under his touch. There were things he needed to do, people he needed to talk to. He was the Head of the Institute, and they had just found out the Seelie Queen had orchestrated a distraction after all, something else was bound to be coming. But the thought of doing anything, of talking to anyone at that moment made Alec’s chest go tight. He needed to be alone. He passed by doors and hallways, practically running to get to his room. To get to the quiet, the solitude of the space he had grown up in. The door loomed before him, and he pressed it open, stumbling inside. 

But it was then he realized this was the very last place he wanted to be. 

Signs of Magnus were everywhere, little bits of him scattered around the room from where he had woven himself into Alec’s life so seamlessly. Magnus’ clothes were strewn about, his robe draped over the back of the chair in front of the vanity Alec had bought for him when he moved in just a few weeks prior. The bed sheets were disheveled, as neither of them could have been bothered to make it when they woke up that morning, Alec having left early for work and Magnus sleeping in late. A few of his rings were sitting in a bowl on the nightside table - he’d probably forgotten to put them on when he’d woken up. 

The room still smelled like him, even though he had been only staying there for a short while. He could practically feel Magnus in the air around him, his energy. Coming back here was different than the last time - the last time they had broken up. Last time, this room had not been home to Alec. It had been cold and neat, and not lived in. The loft had been his home then, a place where he lived with Magnus. 

But evidence of life - the one Alec had just throw away - were now scattered all around him. 

A small wave of terror washed over Alec when he realized that he had left Magnus without a place to stay, and he sobbed brokenly. Magnus had been at the Institute, looking for a place of his own, but he had been living here, with Alec. He hoped desperately that he would be able to call Catarina who would take him in, give him the love and support he needed. 

Alec fell to his knees, the sheer weight of his grief overcoming him. The pain was unbearable, the loss of the happiest thing Alec had ever experienced in his few short decades, and surely for the rest of his life. Isabelle’s words rang through his head, _what about you, will you be able to recover,_ and he knew in that moment he wouldn’t. He would never recover from losing Magnus, because Magnus had been his one - his forever. They’d been meant to spend their lives with one another. 

_There’s no fixing this,_ is what he had said to Magnus, and how true those words were. Alec knew with a fierce, brutal certainty he would not be able to come back from this. And that was somehow more painful than he could bear. 

He broke. 

He broke down, emotions spilling from all of the cracks in his body, spilling from the giant hole left in his heart. He sobbed, letting every single bit of guilt and grief wash over him, almost welcoming it. He let himself think of the way Magnus had clung to him, hands shaking, begging Alec to just ‘please stay’. He thought of the way Magnus had kissed him so desperately, had pulled him closer with every kiss and how all Alec wanted to do was fall into it and kiss him back, but knew he didn’t have the willpower to leave if he did. He let himself think of the absolute broken tone in Magnus’ voice when he had been _begging_ for Alec not to leave him, not to take the very last thing he had left. The only thing he had left. 

And he let himself think of those words, the ones he’d hoped he would never have had to say; telling Magnus he didn’t love him anymore now that he didn’t have his magic, that he didn’t have his spark. Alec knew the weight of those words, he knew what they would do to Magnus, and he used them like a weapon, striking down the only person he’s ever loved. The only person he will ever love. 

It was all too much to bear, too much to take. 

“Alec?” Arms suddenly wrapped around his shoulders, slender but so, so strong. A hand was on his face, turning it but he pulled away, gasping as another sob wracked his body. “Alec, oh Alec.” He knew it was Isabelle, but he couldn’t bring himself to open his eyes, to look at her. He knew how he must look to her, huddled on the floor, holding himself like he was afraid his insides would spill out, tears streaming down his face. But she held him tighter, pulling his face close to her chest, cradling him. 

She would be ashamed to hear what he had done, even if it was for the right reasons. Alec had destroyed the best thing that had ever happened to him, obliterated it to the point of no return. But Magnus would be safe, he would get his magic back and he would recover and that was all that needed to matter. Alec had done his part and broken Magnus’ heart, and now Asmodeus would restore his magic and immortality. Magnus would move on, like he always did, and he would find love again. That was all that could matter. 

He distantly recalled his sister lifting him from the floor and gently moving him to the bed, whispering softly in his ear, though he hardly heard her. She removed his coat and shoes, laying them on the floor before covering him in the blanket and crawling in beside him. Alec was grateful she didn’t ask him to talk, instead just allowed him to pillow his head on her lap as she stroked his hair. 

Alec shut his eyes tight, trying to stop the thoughts, trying to numb them out. They would never leave, the weight of the guilt he was feeling now would remain, but just for tonight he willed them away. 

He’d been through enough already.

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't yell at me, and if you are, do it on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/insiemes) or down in the comments. xx


End file.
